I’m finding it hard to understand why everytime I have something going for me, it always falls apart. The strange thing that I observe, is that its mostly in times when I am to better myself as a person, or to venture into a new aspect of my life. It’s like the world I live in keeps dragging me down when all I want to do is something new. Am I the only one who feels this way? If not, it sure feels like it.

I understand that not everyone can get what they want in life, regardless of how spoiled you are but still yet. It seems like EVERY TIME I want to do something, someone’s always there to hold me back and drag me down again. My particular situation now deals with my education, future life, and all of my emotions.

My parents want to move to a new town of the island of Hawaii 50 miles away. That was fine with me, because it was my understanding that by this time next year, I would be in California. So I wouldn’t have to move with them.

The reason why I’m not in California for college this year is because of unforeseen circumstances that made it quite impossible to go there. Then, after the situations were over, my parents agreed that they would pay for me to go away. I was fine with that.

… Now the situation is changing.

With the understanding that I wasn’t going to be here in a year, I was happy to go to UH Hilo for a year, and then transfer. But, I found out now that my parents don’t even intend to let me go away. They weren’t going to pay for me to go to the college I wanted to.

So I was like ok… So, I would live at home. Yet, there was a circumstance. My mother said that I would have to live with my two brothers, one brothers wife, and there son and pay for rent. That just fuckin’ pissed me off!

• I sure as hell was not going to live with three lazy ass pigs in a house that smells like shit, because nobody wanted to do anything.
• (I’m ok with paying rent) But I sure as hell am not going work my ass off to pay for the rent of some 31 year old fuckin’ lazy ass who doesn’t want to work, and just sleeps half a day and eats all the food.
• And I absolutely will not put up with the fact that I have to live with one big dumbass who thinks he knows everything, does whatever the fuck he wants, and doesn’t care.

OR…. One of my brothers wanted to buy the house from my parents, and guess what my mom wanted me to do?

Live in a dorm…..

Now, can I ask you one question? WHY THE FUCK WOULD ANYONE WANT TO LIVE IN A FUCKIN’ DORM WHEN THERE HOUSE IS RIGHT UP THE STREET?

The thing that pissed me off was the fact that this happened before when we were supposed to move two years ago. I made so many decisions based on the fact that I thought we were moving.

• I purposely didn’t make any friends with people so that I wouldn’t become close with them and miss them.
• I let the love of my life go so that I wouldn’t have to break her heart if the relationship ended.
• I purposely let loose in school, and became a jackass because I was there the next year
• I was a bitch to people, just to realize that I was going to see them next year.
• I planned to never see anyone again, so I pushed everyone away.

So I decided to fuck everything. I know that I don’t want to go through the same ordeal I did with everyone like we did two years ago. So I decided that I was going to quit school, find a full time job, find an apartment, and make things on my own. From there, who knows.

I hate to do this because I kept telling myself: that I could do better then my siblings, finish college, do well, and make lots of money.

How things change.

I don’t want to live with relatives, and I’m sure that my parents arn’t going to pay for an apartment to stay in. So…. My new life model: “Fuck It”.

Which brings me back to my point… Why is it that everytime I have something going for me, it all falls apart?